a faith observed: Girl time

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Girl time

Gracie is about as tom boy as you can get. She would run around in her bathing suit, most comfortable clothes, or topless (this is her latest) all the time if I didn't intervene and she likes all the things that her big brother likes. Octonauts, scooters, cars, trains, Bob the Builder. But still she does have a girly side to her which emerges every now and then, and when it does emerge, I have a lot of fun! A few weeks ago we painted her toe nails yellow. She painted mine too, and I didn't have any nail polish remover on hand which meant I was walking around with yellow toes until I remembered to go buy some! She loves lotions, lip balms and will smear chap stick all over her face, "Just a little bit more. There" She'll say. She puts out each hand for lotion- so cute, then rubs it in, and then asks for more. And she did really love the whole nail painting thing. I was sorting through my jewelry today and she helped me and it was too much fun! By the end, she had 2 rings on her little fingers (one got lost but she managed to keep the other on!); arms full of bangles; two necklaces; her hair clips (usually she won't touch them because they are "too tight!!!" but I guess she was getting into the whole bling thing this morning); and anklets on both little brown ankles. She's so adorable and I loved it! I'm enjoying having this one on one time with Gracie. I've always been a one-on-one person, and treasured those first 2 and a half years with Simon. I remember telling friends I like the "2's" but I think they were so much easier when you have only one child. Gracie has entered the 2s with force, but she's easy to manage when on her own. It's is more when she and Simon are arguing or when I am trying to manage both kids when it is more difficult. I struggled to bond with Gracie in the same way/ with the same intensity that I did with Simon after she was born, and even up until her birth, I felt quite apprehensive about whether or not I was ready to be a mother to 2 and how that would change my relationship with Simon. Of course, when she was born, I was filled with love for her but I never had the time to just stare into her eyes and have those magical days together. Now that Simon is at school 4 days a week and I've committed to slowing down, I'm immensely enjoying this special, magical time with Gracie. Taking her to swimming lessons and having the time and arms to hold her in the shower for way too long considering water restrictions! and watch the delight on her face as she tried to drink the water and catch it in her hands. I'm finding that when I'm not rushing from here to there, we can just enjoy each day and the moment that much more. I like making these special memories with Gracie and the way I get to bond with her now. I'm glad I have this year with her before she starts kindy or preschool and I am busy with work. I want it to be a quiet year and I want to learn to slow down. A few days ago, at 5 am, Gracie says to me, "I go school when I can sit in Simon's car seat!" She is so articulate and speaks so well- I love finding out what is in the mind of a just turned 2 year old girl! So if that is true we have another year at home together with my little Gracia (she has started ending everyone's name with 'ia' like Mamia and Daddia and Simia). Love you Gracia!

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This is me, a faith observed.

C.S. Lewis writes about the pain of losing his beloved wife, Joy, in his book, "A Grief Observed". In some ways this is my attempt to share my journey through grief and back into life, as the past nine months have been characterized by an immeasurable longing for my beloved father, who died suddenly this past January.

After months of hibernation from the internet, I unexpectedly find myself able to re-begin this blog and connect with my larger community of family and friends. This blog will likely reflect less of the intensity and depth of my pain and more of the simplicity and ordinary joy that keeps my life full - namely days running after our little boy, Simon Pierre. But it is because of the incredible love and presence that defined my relationship with my father, that I feel I can will myself to not just survive each day but to pour that same kind of love and attention onto Simon.

My father was an endless source of strength to me, a pillar of faith. His last words, spoken to my mother as he passed into that which is unseen, "God is good - good all the time", have remained with me through this dark cloud of grief. And when God seems hidden, when justice seems to be losing out, when life is unfair, and when death swallows up the one I most love, I remember my father's words and breathe in this promise, that the God of love is in the process of restoring that which has been destroyed.

And as my father told me in dream I've had since his death, "Look to Jesus. As a father, to point you towards Him is the best gift I can give to you." So here I am, this is me, a faith to be observed.

I hold onto that which is not always seen- the promise of God's goodness, the hope that one day in the promised new heavens and earth- on a grassy hill or a sand covered beach- the lion and the lamb will lie down side by side and I, too, will lie down side by side, next to my father, and we will laugh and laugh until there are no more tears left to cry.