My sweet boy is back, my baby is a dream.

Ah, today was a good day. Andrew was home, Grandma was here and Simon seemed to have returned to his sweet little self. Oh, and did I mention that Grace is just your dream baby- she sleeps so well, eats so well and just seems like the most gracious little girl. I start to worry a bit- do babies really sleep this much? Is she okay? And then I tell myself, just appreciate this gift (while it lasts) and enjoy your baby girl.








Simon was gorgeous tonight. As I was putting him to sleep Grace was crying and he again graciously let me go to her. Then he started screaming "Mama" but it was to ask me to help him put away his water bottle, as I'd told him before that I didn't want him to put it up on the high self where he keeps it by himself in the dark. After I'd put it away he said, "Baby stopped crying! Mama, you put baby to sleep now." He let me tuck him in and kiss him and he told me, "Night, night sweetie. Love you mama." Ah, nothing makes a mama happier than to know she is loved.

And to feel like, even though we've had some hard days this week with Simon adjusting, there's hope that he will adjust and be okay in the midst of all this change and loss. Speaking of change and loss, I think Simon weaned himself today. Three times today he tried to nurse and decided the milk was "yucky". Tonight he kept telling me, "you don't like milk." And when I offered him his bed time "nur nur" he replied, "no thank you mama". This is the day I've waited for, to see him decide on his own that he's ready to give up breastfeeding. I am happy for it but sad at the same time. My baby really is a big boy now - really is growing up.

Well, Grace and Simon are both asleep and I should be too, just in case Grace decides to wake up tonight! She is so beautiful, so calm and peaceful. I want to savor these days when they go well, and then wonder how I can make it through another day when they are hard.... what mixed emotions! But how thankful I am for the two children I've been given. A precious gift.

Nipples and Nur Nur

Yesterday Master Simon asked mummy what Grace's nipples were called. I told him "nipples" and he said, "Oh." "Mummy has big nipples, Baby has little ones." A few hours later, after giving Grace a bath Simon told us, "You (Simon) eat Grace's nipples!"

Maybe he's eye-ing off Grace's nipples because three times today Simon told me that he doesn't like the milk in my nur-nur's. "You don't like milk. It tastes yucky. You just like nur nur." He then asked for his water bottle and seemed to rinse out his mouth? Hmmm.... maybe after a marathon week of feeding since Baby sister arrived, Simon will suddenly wean himself? I'll keep you posted!

And correction, these nur nur's really are doing a good job. Grace has gained an entire pound this week - not 1/2 a pound as I reported in an earlier blog.

So regardless of the taste, Mommy's got some good nur nur going on...

My baby is suddenly a big boy

My sister-in-law, Jen, told me to wait and see how much bigger your toddler looks after having a newborn baby. Oh my goodness, was I in for a surprise! Suddenly Simon seems HUGE. I think he is actually going through a bit of a growth spurt, but wow, where has my baby gone? He can suddenly climb up the slide all by himself and swing from the bar at the top of the slide. And how gorgeous is it to see him get all cute and cuddly with little Grace. It appears that he really loves his baby, as he calls her. Tonight as I was putting him to sleep we heard her crying and he said, "Baby's crying." I asked him if I should go get her to stop and he said "uh, huh" to which I replied, "That's a good idea. Mommy's know how to get babies to stop crying but daddies don't always know how to!" And he graciously let me leave the room earlier than usual, without seeming upset about it at all. What a sweetie. It was nice for me to see, as our sweet little angel has been out of joint this week. Thankfully he hasn't taken it out on Grace at all, but I've said more than once this week, "Where has my sweet little baby gone to?" as we've seen more tantrums in the past week than we have in the past few months combined. I'm praying that this phase will pass in a few weeks (or months?) as he learns to accept the many changes in our life. But today was a great day - and sweet baby - er, boy- was back!

Nine days old and half a pound heavier...

Grace Margaret arrived on January 13th at 7:12 am, following 12 hours of pre-labour and another 12 hours of very active labour. She's just perfect. She weighed 6 pounds 11 oz and was 20 inches long. And would you believe it, only nine days later she's already gained half a pound and has jumped from the 25th percentile for her weight to the 50th. We're very proud of our little girl who has got quite the suck on her. From the get go she's been nursing all day and sleeping all night... ahhhh, gotta love this little girl!












And Simon seems to have put on a little more weight, too! Maybe because he's been nursing a lot more.... or maybe it's the blueberry pancakes and real maple syrup that he's been cooking up in the kitchen with Grandma?





Is it just me, or do I have two gorgeous babies!?!?!

My prelabour pregnancy whinge... Beware, if you don't like whinging, stop right here.

I don't usually use my blog to whinge but hey, I'm 2 days away from being 40 weeks pregnant, it is 29 degrees C in our air conditioned room and I'm just feeling beyond ready to meet our little girl.

Of course, I shouldn't have started hoping to go into labour until at least my due date, and thought I'd be different from every other pregnant woman I know who starts talking about delivery as soon as she's full term, but because Simon was 12 days early I guess it subconsciously felt like I would likely labour early this time around, too. Hasn't happened yet.

The worst is this INSANE itch that developed a month ago on my arms... for the first month I tried multiple itching relief skin care products, talked to my midwife about it, talked to the pharmacist about it, investigated online and tried to just suck it up because after all, it is only itching. But after a month of this constant itching, I just can not stand it any longer. My arms itch and itch and itch and there's nothing there to itch!!!! The only marks there are the scars I have caused from itching nothing. I want to take a knife to my arms. I swear, if this lasts after our daughter is born I am going to go completely insane and neurotic. I am just hoping it will end with pregnancy and I can feel a little bit normal again, because at this point I feel like I am losing my mind. It is truly becoming unbearable.

Then there's the normal prego things- like being exhausted, and of course, the heat doesn't help that at all... even in Simon's air conditioned room we can't get the heat below 29 degrees!!! The air con just won't go any lower!!!! (I know, I already told you that but it's kind of astounding!) And of course, I'm not sleeping well because of the itching that persists ALL night, the heat, the leg cramps, the hip problmes, and the uncomfortable belly that doesn't give an inch . uncomfortable. And (why am I sharing this on a public blog?! I really have lost my mind) I'm so sick of changing my undies at least 3 times a day b/c I have such bad incontinence. My (former) hip injuries have flared up since 25 weeks, leaving me incredibly limited in my ability to get around and feel like a normal functioning person- luckily Andrew has been a complete saint and has picked up so much slack, but it leaves me feeling pretty useless and depressed, and completely not like myself.

Then our computer/internet was completely down for a solid week- very frustrating. It's working now but my computer keeps acting up and is so slow... so that it takes like 10 minutes to open up a page but unfortunately neither Andrew or I are computer smart, so who knows why it's doing what it's doing....

So, I am beyond ready to have our little girl.... because:
1) I am actually really feeling so excited to meet her!
2) I've accepted that our life is changing and we're never going back to what it was, so I now feel like "bring it on!"
3) Andrew starts his final year of university and his student teaching in just over one week so if she's not here soon then he's gonna be in the middle of that big transition when she arrives.
4) I am just holding onto my sanity with the hope that I will feel more myself again once she is born and that all my weird problems will disappear (esp the itchiness!!!) Of course, as some kind woman at the pool reminded me of yesterday, "It's a lot easier having them in you than outside of you." Okay, lady, I really didn't need to hear that right now. You just about took away the only magical thinking that is keeping me from slashing my arms... I do have a 2 and a half year old who has only in the last 6 months decided NOT to wake up every hour of the night. Of course I know that it is highly likely I will be even more tired, but a girl can always dream, right?
5) I'm just so tired of waiting and being pregnant....
6) The birth center has airconditioning, so if it's a long labour, hey, that's more time out of this crazy heat.
7) It's a medical institution, so maybe if I act crazy enough in labour, someone there will have a magic pill to relieve my itchy arms...

Okay, how's that for a 39 weeks and 5 days, pregnancy whinge?!?!? I blame it on the itching.

I had been feeling pretty nervous and scared about having her (Grace) join our little family- While I was excited and felt so blessed to know I am carrying a life inside of me, it also felt like we'd come to a really great place as a family and had just started figuring it out and enjoying more independence, and the day after Christmas I had a huge meltdown - grieving letting go of what we have had these past 2 and a half years and how all that is about to change.... and now, since that letting go, I haven't been worried about not loving her as much as Simon and not worried about the change. I feel I have accepted the change that is about to happen and have confidence in the love that will miraculously develop. So since Boxing Day I've just been totally ready for her to come and now I'm completely impatient!!!!

Okay, do i sound insane enough for you yet? i feel like i am going to go insane if my arms don't stop itching!!!! As I write I am balancing ice packs around my arms- numbing them is the best solution a/t it's not a very good one...

My mom arrives on the 15th (so of course it would be really great if she were here at the birth) and I can't wait to see her. But right now, it is just another person I love so much to wait for!!!

I will try not to whinge anymore.... and will go change the ice packs....

Farewell 2009

I laughed out loud at the dinner table tonight, realizing that this is the perfect year to resolve to lose ten pounds...

yep, that should happen any day now. How great that I might meet my New Year's Resolution within a few weeks of the New Year. How often does that happen?

12 more days in the big countdown for baby Grace- if we do in fact call her Grace. Simon's choosen a name for our baby and is very excited about it. He's actually stopped calling her "rrrrrr...." (the sound he makes for a lion) and now responds to our question, "What do you want to call our baby girl?" with "Kitty! YES!". So she may in fact be named Grace but nicknamed "Kitty" from the get go. I think it's pretty cute.

So, 12 more days until Kitty is due, but I secretly think tonight would be a great night for our little Kitty to make her appearance. It's a full moon- and a blue moon too (whatever that means!), Andrew has to stay up working until 3 am anyway, and how fun to have 01-01-2010 as your birthday. It would make all the paperwork she will likely have to complete in her lifetime easier (if she is anything like her mother who can never remember which goes first- day or month- in the many different countries I've lived in!). Unfortunately, Kitty isn't showing any signs of going anywhere tonight, but hey, a girl can always wish. I didn't think I'd be impatient, but this past week seems to have gone by incredibly slowly, as compared to the weeks preceding it. My mom arrives in 14 days, so it would be nice to deliver after she gets her, but I'm also feeling good and ready now. Andrew starts his student teaching on the 20th so we're hoping she's not too late!

I should reflect on 2009... the last few months of it have been really special and I've felt alive again. The year began with a really special trip "home". My grief was very strong but it was really healing to return to the country my father loved so much and to be with my mom. That month was hard- I felt the physical signs of grief - incredible fatigue especially- but it was something I am so glad we did and that helped me immensely. We returned to a crazy few months as Andrew and I both studied education, Andrew worked part time and I was student teaching two days a week... my study was cut short, after falling pregnant and having an incredibly rough first trimester with terrible sickness and vomitting and intermittent bleeding which was really frightening. In the middle of that first trimester was our whirlwind trip to the States to meet Salma Rose, our beautiful little niece who was born in June (and of course the rest of my family who I miss so much). But the last few months of the year quieted down and we have shared such special moments as a family. And now, we're ready to open up our lives to another beautiful child who will no doubt change us and show us that we have so much more love inside of us to give and receive.

The last few days I have missed my dad immensely and found myself breaking into sobs at times. Which in some ways feels good, as it has become easier to push away my emotions, accept his death but keep myself emotionally detached this past year. In many ways I appreciate it when the tears come flooding and I feel in touch with myself and my grief. I long to see my dad interact with Simon, I long to hear his voice and feel his touch and give him a "big cuddle" as Simon would say. I long for the days that were. I long for my family to be "whole" again - it just doesn't feel complete without my dad. I long to be able to call my parents on Christmas and their anniversary to wish them well and tell them how much I love them. I miss my dad so much. 15 days from now marks the day that he left this life and went on to a new journey, with Christ himself. No doubt these last two years for him have been nothing I could ever imagine in this life. I just keep holding onto the promise of God that I will see him again one day and that God is good. I was thinking of his final words again last night- and thinking of my mom's final words to my dad. "God is good" my dad managed to speak as he lay dying. And my mom stated back to him, "Yes, all the time" and he said, "All the time". What a beautiful foundation to base their marriage on - the promise that God is good and that they both can trust God in his goodness, even in the midst of death, separation, and the unknown future. I am so thankful for their love for God and one another and for us.

This year, I resolve to continue to trust in the goodness of God and look for ways to share His goodness with those around me. In the challenges of life, I will hold onto His goodness and let that be the anchor that keeps me afloat.

Christmas in Australia

I thought I'd post a recap of our Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, mainly so that I can remember it in years to come, and also so that my dear family all over the world gets a blow by blow of our Christmas! And some pictures too! I missed you guys so much, but it ended up being a really good Christmas, despite not being together and despite the reality of it being another Christmas without my dear dad here.

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia, on a scorching summer's day, hey!"

Despite the incredibly humid heat, we had a wonderful Christmas! Bob and Steph arrived Christmas Eve and we went out to our favourite Indian restaurant for dinner, and then met up with our good friends - Lani, Nathan, Eli, and Laile- for gelato afterwards. It was really special to spend Christmas Eve with Andrew (who didn't have to work!), and with Bob and Steph. Simon loves his grandparents so much! Simon loved reading his new book from Grandma- Aussie Jingle Bells- multiple times. He also loved helping us all open up one present (a Lewis family tradition to open a present on Christmas Eve), and reading the Christmas story of Jesus' birth. Simon opened up a tool puzzle, that I had wrapped up for him from his "Choo Choo Train Baba" (which is what we call my dad). He just loved the puzzle and immediately picked up the saw piece of the puzzle and said, "you fix piano" and started to pretend to fix the piano.







Christmas morning was so much fun! Simon had such a great time opening up the "treats" in his stocking- scissors, a kinder egg, and a matchbox car and then helping us all open our stocking presents and our presents. Simon has been very excited about scissors of late and had the best time helping me wrap all the Christmas presents, insisting that he help cut all the wrapping paper. So he just loved getting his own pair of scissors and throughout the morning would pull them out to help open presents and wrapping. Another reminder of my dad, who would always bring out his pocket knife to help open up presents! I was so impressed with and proud of Simon. He handled the present side of Christmas so well- he handed out all the presents to people with such enthusiasm, "hamming it up" just like my dad used to do. It is uncanny how similar they are. It brings me so much joy and it was like having a piece of my dad there with me. I really felt his presence through Simon and Simon's facial expressions and enthusiasm. They have some of the exact silly and serious expressions! Simon also unwrapped his presents like my dad did, very meticulously and carefully.

We were able to Skype my mom first thing in the morning which was wonderful and mom could see Simon open up his present from mom and "Papa" - a toolbox! It was so nice to see my mom and I was thrilled that she had received our Christmas package that very day- on Christmas Eve! Anyway, Simon was ELATED with the toolbox and was so adorable with his goggles on, pretending to drill holes in everything. "You like drilling!" was the common phrase of the day! We staggered our present opening - enjoying a really nice cold breakfast of croissants, salmon, nice cheeses, yogurt, jams, blueberries, raspberries, and a pumpkin loaf- and then opening more presents. It was just so much fun to see Simon so happy and enjoying Christmas and the presents so much, but enjoying handing presents out and seeing everyone open things. The rest of the morning was spent playing with his new toys and mainly drilling! Oh and assembling a new Lego tow truck that I had given Andrew! Bob and Steph gave him a skateboard and today Simon and Andrew had fun filing the edges down to make it more smooth with the tools from their tool boxes!







Christmas afternoon, after Simon's nap, we drove down to Tim and Jen's for Christmas lunch while Andrew worked. Unfortunately Simon seemed really overwhelmed by all the new people there and we ended up leaving early. So that was a bit disappointing, but really nice to see them and Ang and Miko and baby Noah, too.

We had a lovely picnic at the river for dinner and Christmas "pud" with cream and berries for desert. All in all, a really amazing day!

And because of all of Simon's little antics, I felt really close to my dad, too. So that was probably the best Christmas gift of all!