a faith observed: Fatherhood

Friday, February 3, 2012

Fatherhood

Simon's lying next to me on the "comfy couch" watching Roary and eating a milk arrowroot biscuit, so I know he's feeling better. He's home sick today with a fever and most of the morning was spent in his bedroom, alternating between dozing and crying out in pain because of a headache (which was exacerbated by Gracie's very loud voice!). He couldn't even get up to watch his very favourite show, the Octonauts! So I'm glad he's on the mend or all the painkillers are kicking in!

A month or so ago Andrew came out of Simon's room after putting him to sleep and shared a special story with my mom and I. I told him to write it down so we'd remember. I'm glad he did because as I write this, I can't for the life of me, remember what it was that Andrew shared.

I'll copy it down now, while I have a moment, so that we won't lose the paper and forget!

Putting Simon to Sleep

Simon had lost a hot wheels car yesterday and I (Andrew) told him that he can pray to God about anything. So we prayed that God would help him find his lost car. I then asked Simon who loved him the most and he said "Jesus". I asked him, "How do you know?" Simon answered, "Because he has the biggest heart." A few minutes later, I then told him I needed to go continue reading my book. Simon asked me what the book was about. I told him it was a book about being a better daddy. Simon responded, "You can just stay with me longer because you don't need to read it."

Ahhh, now I remember. And while I do support Andrew reading books about Fatherhood, I agree wholeheartedly with Simon. Andrew, hats off to you. You are really and truly an incredible father. The kids are so so blessed to have you in their lives. They adore you and I love seeing how much fun you have them. Thanks for giving them this invaluable gift of a committed, loving, playful, kind, hands-on father. I am constantly amazed by how well you know how to parent!

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This is me, a faith observed.

C.S. Lewis writes about the pain of losing his beloved wife, Joy, in his book, "A Grief Observed". In some ways this is my attempt to share my journey through grief and back into life, as the past nine months have been characterized by an immeasurable longing for my beloved father, who died suddenly this past January.

After months of hibernation from the internet, I unexpectedly find myself able to re-begin this blog and connect with my larger community of family and friends. This blog will likely reflect less of the intensity and depth of my pain and more of the simplicity and ordinary joy that keeps my life full - namely days running after our little boy, Simon Pierre. But it is because of the incredible love and presence that defined my relationship with my father, that I feel I can will myself to not just survive each day but to pour that same kind of love and attention onto Simon.

My father was an endless source of strength to me, a pillar of faith. His last words, spoken to my mother as he passed into that which is unseen, "God is good - good all the time", have remained with me through this dark cloud of grief. And when God seems hidden, when justice seems to be losing out, when life is unfair, and when death swallows up the one I most love, I remember my father's words and breathe in this promise, that the God of love is in the process of restoring that which has been destroyed.

And as my father told me in dream I've had since his death, "Look to Jesus. As a father, to point you towards Him is the best gift I can give to you." So here I am, this is me, a faith to be observed.

I hold onto that which is not always seen- the promise of God's goodness, the hope that one day in the promised new heavens and earth- on a grassy hill or a sand covered beach- the lion and the lamb will lie down side by side and I, too, will lie down side by side, next to my father, and we will laugh and laugh until there are no more tears left to cry.