Unexpected tears over long ago friends.

Have you ever had a day when you find yourself suddenly sobbing uncontrollably?  I rarely have these kinds of days, but yesterday - wow.  At first I wasn't even sure what I was crying about.  After reflection I realized I was crying for goodbyes.  Goodbyes I've had to say and goodbyes to come.

When I think back over my life, I feel incredibly blessed.  At this present moment, I am blessed.  A friend asked me what I wanted in life - anything - and my answer was that I have dreams for the future, but all I really want I have right now.  I have so many beautiful people in my life.  I guess what I really want - long for- is a way to connect with all of the people I love so much at a heart level, at any time. So perhaps I answered her question wrong - "I want a life with all of this love in it, but without goodbyes."

I feel I live between worlds - a world of wanting to be in the States with my family and friends (who are often all over the world too!).  The world of the home I have created here in Australia - I actually feel like I am at home, settled, grounded - something I have never experienced before as an adult. Then the world of my dreams - what I wrestle with, dreams that I feel God has placed deep in my heart and I don't even know how they will be actualized, but they are still there.  Of course, these dreams lead me to new people and inevitably goodbyes.

I have so many chapters of my life and each chapter has included beautiful relationships and the blessing of friendship.  Last night I found myself crying for those past friendships and times - chapters that have ended, and although I find that when I actually catch up with a friend from the past - a forever friend- there is still that connection and then the longing that we could share life together, more than just likes on Facebook (as much as I like those).  But that chapter has ended and another one has begun.

Last night it was the grief of the goodbyes from my four years at high school that overwhelmed me.  I didn't realize I still had that raw grief in me.  I remembered how those people who I lived with over those four years became my family.we were sisters and brothers, living continents away from our parents. We became each other's family. Two weeks ago one of these sisters died - and her dear brother is left behind to digest it all and journey through deep grief.  And I just want to be able to jump on a plane and be there with them.  The time doesn't change the connection deep in my heart. When we left boarding school, it was for good.  There was little chance to stay connected - no Facebook, mobile phones, texts.  It was very final.  A closed chapter.  And I didn't realize that deep raw grief from twenty years ago I still carry with me inside.

What do you do with the pain of goodbyes?  What do I do with that grief?  I don't really know - It seems right to allow myself to cry when I suddenly feel the need to cry.  It seems right to continue to open myself up to love despite goodbyes. It seems good to continue to invest in and build new relationships. Although I know that there will be messiness in these new relationships because of who I am, and the goodbyes I've said, but I also know that all of those people who have impacted my life I take with me in some way or another.

If you are reading this, thank you for the friendship you have shared with me.   Thanks for being a part of that chapter and continuing to be a part of my life, even if it is only through reading this blog and liking the photos and recipes I post on Facebook. You make my life richer.