a faith observed: All it took was a little conversation.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

All it took was a little conversation.

When I sat down to update my blog a few weeks back, I noticed that when I went to write about Gracie, I was having trouble coming up with happy, lovely thoughts. It was easy to think of what was driving me crazy at the moment and while I realize we all have ups and downs with our kids, it made me start to think more about how I might make things better between the two of us.

I realized that we rarely spend any time just the two of us. Gracie has been at school this year, which has been really good in so many ways, but it seems when she's home we're socializing (which she loves to do as much as me!), getting together on play dates, or else rushing to get in and out the door. When Simon's around he tends to get more of my attention.

Gracie hasn't been as keen on school lately either. Well, when she's there - when I pick her up- she's having a great time but she's been resistant to going. When everyone's well she goes four days a week, 6 hour days. But the school makes you pay for four 12 hour days so I always like to get my money's worth and don't really like keeping her home if I'm paying.

I decided to talk openly about it to her but wondered if she could understand at her age and if I should just keep these ideas and thoughts to myself. I couldn't believe how well it went! She was so articulate in communicating what she wanted, to go to school still but have more one on one time with me. She said she'd like to go to school three days a week and stay at home two. So easy! I've just had to suck up paying for an extra day and the last 2-3 weeks I've done just that and it has helped our relationship so much! I feel like we've shared a new closeness I'd missed and I'm enjoying her immensely.

Yesterday was her at home day and poor thing, suddenly out of the blue started vomiting! She was so sweet, tears running down her face, but still she stayed so quiet and calm and sweet! I was very proud of her and how well she did being so sick. She is definitely my sweetheart!

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This is me, a faith observed.

C.S. Lewis writes about the pain of losing his beloved wife, Joy, in his book, "A Grief Observed". In some ways this is my attempt to share my journey through grief and back into life, as the past nine months have been characterized by an immeasurable longing for my beloved father, who died suddenly this past January.

After months of hibernation from the internet, I unexpectedly find myself able to re-begin this blog and connect with my larger community of family and friends. This blog will likely reflect less of the intensity and depth of my pain and more of the simplicity and ordinary joy that keeps my life full - namely days running after our little boy, Simon Pierre. But it is because of the incredible love and presence that defined my relationship with my father, that I feel I can will myself to not just survive each day but to pour that same kind of love and attention onto Simon.

My father was an endless source of strength to me, a pillar of faith. His last words, spoken to my mother as he passed into that which is unseen, "God is good - good all the time", have remained with me through this dark cloud of grief. And when God seems hidden, when justice seems to be losing out, when life is unfair, and when death swallows up the one I most love, I remember my father's words and breathe in this promise, that the God of love is in the process of restoring that which has been destroyed.

And as my father told me in dream I've had since his death, "Look to Jesus. As a father, to point you towards Him is the best gift I can give to you." So here I am, this is me, a faith to be observed.

I hold onto that which is not always seen- the promise of God's goodness, the hope that one day in the promised new heavens and earth- on a grassy hill or a sand covered beach- the lion and the lamb will lie down side by side and I, too, will lie down side by side, next to my father, and we will laugh and laugh until there are no more tears left to cry.