Good week, bad week.

Crazy how sometimes it's just when everything is starting to make sense and fall into place when the floor gets pulled out from under you.  That's how I felt this past week.

I'd had a great week, done more than usual but nothing too mind blowing - I blogged, I felt myself getting stronger in my workouts at the gym, had more energy, had a nice day out with Mandy and Liya and Gracie and Cassidy at the beach  - I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for my Lyme treatment, and feeling positive about what a new year with good health might bring. Then Saturday afternoon, I crashed.  I felt like a train had hit me and it stayed on top of me for the next three days. It was just so hard to get out of bed.

I've always been on the go.  I'm the kind of person who can't sit still and relax until the entire house is clean and in order, until everything's been crossed off of my endless to do list. My mom used to make me sit on her lap and resist the urge to clean our house when I was a teenager, if that gives you more perspective.   It's very hard for me to slow down and relax. A few years ago when my health started to take another dive, I felt like God was saying, "Stop, rest."   I didn't listen and had to laugh when I was diagnosed with Lyme disease a year later. He'd been right all along,  I did need to rest.  But resting is hard for me.  And even in my slowing down, there's the constant mental planning of what's next.  What am I working towards?

I tend to usually be positive and upbeat, but this week hope was hard to hold onto.  If this was how I felt after a bigger week than normal, what was in store for me?   How would I be able to look for and find a job as I've been looking forward to doing next year.  Will I ever feel "normal" again?  Can I truly be healed of Lyme disease?  How can God make my dreams into reality in my present condition? What are my dreams?  So many feelings and questions and anxieties surfaced.

I found myself crying on the phone to one of my best friends, who had these beautiful, confidently spoken words. "God's got you exactly where you.  Just trust Him."  Trust Him? I started laughing! At the moment I feel like I'm free falling, I told her! And I don't know what I'm falling into!" Then I had this image of free falling, just falling backwards off a cliff - but that this was what God wanted me to do. I don't know how long He will have me falling and I don't know what I'll find at the bottom of the fall - there's no timeline- but I do know that I'm falling into His love, His goodness, His grace, His forgiveness, and His hopes and dreams. And I know that He will be there with me the whole way, in my ups and downs, in the good and bad weeks, in the joys and in the sufferings.

This Saturday is the Brisbane Bridge marathon - It raises money to help Dalit women and children in India.  Last year I'd hoped to run it but after being diagnosed with chronic fatigue decided to walk 15 km of it instead with my friend, Mel, and we had a great day.  I wanted to do it again this year but put off committing to it, as I didn't really want the stress of trying to raise the money you are required to raise to walk it.  A couple weeks ago I decided I'd do it and not worry about the fundraising aspect and just trust that part up to God.  Then, would you believe, I asked my darling niece Ella if she wanted do it together and the money just rolled in, no stress or time involved.  We were going to walk it but after the way I felt earlier this week, I wondered if I'd be able to do it at all.  Thankfully I'm feeling a lot better and so we've decided to bike it instead.

I turn 35 on Thursday and I don't know what this next year will bring but I'm determined to keep free falling and to trust that God has me exactly where He wants me for now and will show me what's next, all in good time.