a faith observed: Me and my boy.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Me and my boy.

This has been a good summer for Simon and me. After several rough patches this year, these past few months have been incredible. Simon's stubbornness and determination have found a positive outlet.... swimming! In a matter of weeks he'd taught himself to swim. From keeping himself up for 7 seconds to actually swimming across the length of the pool! I was gobsmacked. My friend always said, "The world won't change Simon, Simon will change it!" When he gets his mind to something, he's unstoppable.

I've been enjoying all of his cuddles and words of affirmation. I told Andrew last night, "I just feel so loved and adored." Simon must know my love language because he oozes love to me, like each night at his dinner table prayer. "Dear God, thank you for mommy. She's the best and her food is the best in the world!" He has actually FINALLY taken to my healthy cooking, getting excited about dhal and vegetable curries. It's about time!

He also seems to understand more about who he is and accept these things - like not being able to eat certain foods. He generally seems to want to choose healthy food and notices how other foods will hurt him because he's sensitive. He asked me in the car yesterday, "What do we call it - the thing we have? Not allergic but? " and then said, "If I get lost from you and someone offers me candy, I'll say no, "I'm sensitive!".

When I drop him off at school each morning, he never misses out on a few rounds of "kisses and cuddles". I usually give him a huge hug in the classroom and say goodbye. Next thing I know he's running after us in the playground, beaming a smile, "You forgot something. I need my cuddle AND kiss." And when I pick him up after school, almost always a big smile and then proudly, he pulls out some of his work or colouring and says, "I made this for you! or I drew you with pretty colours because you are so beautiful!" Ahhh, what a sweetheart.

I am so thankful for these past several months of a calmer Simon and the special times we've shared. Looking back at pics last night, I realized I have very few photos of Simon from July - October of last year. Those months were pretty hard on us both as he was really struggling to "get his engine just right" as the OT called it. But with structure, routine, a very clean diet, and school, he's pulled through beautifully. I'm so proud of him!

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This is me, a faith observed.

C.S. Lewis writes about the pain of losing his beloved wife, Joy, in his book, "A Grief Observed". In some ways this is my attempt to share my journey through grief and back into life, as the past nine months have been characterized by an immeasurable longing for my beloved father, who died suddenly this past January.

After months of hibernation from the internet, I unexpectedly find myself able to re-begin this blog and connect with my larger community of family and friends. This blog will likely reflect less of the intensity and depth of my pain and more of the simplicity and ordinary joy that keeps my life full - namely days running after our little boy, Simon Pierre. But it is because of the incredible love and presence that defined my relationship with my father, that I feel I can will myself to not just survive each day but to pour that same kind of love and attention onto Simon.

My father was an endless source of strength to me, a pillar of faith. His last words, spoken to my mother as he passed into that which is unseen, "God is good - good all the time", have remained with me through this dark cloud of grief. And when God seems hidden, when justice seems to be losing out, when life is unfair, and when death swallows up the one I most love, I remember my father's words and breathe in this promise, that the God of love is in the process of restoring that which has been destroyed.

And as my father told me in dream I've had since his death, "Look to Jesus. As a father, to point you towards Him is the best gift I can give to you." So here I am, this is me, a faith to be observed.

I hold onto that which is not always seen- the promise of God's goodness, the hope that one day in the promised new heavens and earth- on a grassy hill or a sand covered beach- the lion and the lamb will lie down side by side and I, too, will lie down side by side, next to my father, and we will laugh and laugh until there are no more tears left to cry.