a faith observed: And one for my not so little anymore four year old.

Monday, June 20, 2011

And one for my not so little anymore four year old.

Simon says,

"Mommy, Grandma is the best cook ever. You should watch Grandma cook and then you'll be the best cook ever!" "Hey, and if I watch Grandma cooking, then I can be the best cook ever."

Simon loves,

Working in the garden with grandpa, although it was a bit too brisk and cold on Saturday morning, for his liking.

Making cookies with grandma and licking the bowl.

All of the amazing food at Grandma's this weekend.

Chasing grandpa, daddy, or me around Bob and Steph's house, at least a dozen times, while pushing a dolly pram.

reflecting on Papa while sitting for hours on the toilet.

purple flowers, which he remembers in great detail, that bloom in toowoomba in the spring time.

his remote control car, which has spent much of the past week in time out.

his Tin Top- a gift from Nema for his birthday! Yeah, mom, he's back!!!!

anything sweet to eat. Uh oh, I think that's my fault. and especially chocolate.

routines - his porridge with honey and raisins each morning. must have a different spoon for putting the honey on the porridge and a new one to eat the porridge with. and milk - not soymilk on top.

clean hands, clean shirts. clean is very important to this little boy.

his school and his new friend, Ivan.

It's been great to see Simon thriving this past month and really settling into school. While we have our moments like all four year olds have, I think I'm handling them much better, his tantrums aren't lasting as long, and I think school is providing just the stimulation he needed. It's strange to be in this new stage of independence and separating and I think we're both handling it well. We spend so much less time together but I still get those precious moments of cuddles, affection, and beautiful expressions and words of his love for me. Which I obviously just LOVE.

Love you so so so much my darling little boy, all the way to the moon and back a million million times.

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This is me, a faith observed.

C.S. Lewis writes about the pain of losing his beloved wife, Joy, in his book, "A Grief Observed". In some ways this is my attempt to share my journey through grief and back into life, as the past nine months have been characterized by an immeasurable longing for my beloved father, who died suddenly this past January.

After months of hibernation from the internet, I unexpectedly find myself able to re-begin this blog and connect with my larger community of family and friends. This blog will likely reflect less of the intensity and depth of my pain and more of the simplicity and ordinary joy that keeps my life full - namely days running after our little boy, Simon Pierre. But it is because of the incredible love and presence that defined my relationship with my father, that I feel I can will myself to not just survive each day but to pour that same kind of love and attention onto Simon.

My father was an endless source of strength to me, a pillar of faith. His last words, spoken to my mother as he passed into that which is unseen, "God is good - good all the time", have remained with me through this dark cloud of grief. And when God seems hidden, when justice seems to be losing out, when life is unfair, and when death swallows up the one I most love, I remember my father's words and breathe in this promise, that the God of love is in the process of restoring that which has been destroyed.

And as my father told me in dream I've had since his death, "Look to Jesus. As a father, to point you towards Him is the best gift I can give to you." So here I am, this is me, a faith to be observed.

I hold onto that which is not always seen- the promise of God's goodness, the hope that one day in the promised new heavens and earth- on a grassy hill or a sand covered beach- the lion and the lamb will lie down side by side and I, too, will lie down side by side, next to my father, and we will laugh and laugh until there are no more tears left to cry.