a faith observed: The past few weeks are a blur.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The past few weeks are a blur.

My doctor asked me at my 6 week check up yesterday what my routine was- this was in response to me telling her that our perfect little sleeper has been waking every 1-2 hours a night for the past five days straight. Routine? Um... I can't remember. I haven't even had a chance to go get Grace weighed! But look how big she's gotten!

After my mom and sister left a few weeks ago we had about five days of a nice routine, with nothing happening. My friends dropped off meals each day, and Andrew was home for all but one of those days. It was a nice few days of getting settled, enjoying some one on one time with Gracie and getting ourselves sorted. Then came the big event of February - Catherine and David's wedding. I was honored to be a bridesmaid and the wedding was stunning. Absolutely perfect. But the routine has suffered over the last five days, with another big trip away to Byron Bay hinterland and a mild case of mastitis that flared up the night before the wedding!

I'll post some pictures of the beautiful day. It really was perfect. Catherine was so beautiful - Steph said she looked like a greek goddess and I wholeheartedly agree! My favourite part was riding down to the clearing by a creek that they'd chosen for the ceremony. We were in a golf cart "buggy" and Cat was singing the words to an Indian yoga song to calm herself. It was magical - I felt transported to another place and time. And the theme of the wedding - flamboyant- was fabulous as the guests were a sea of bright colours. I loved standing at the front and looking at everyone, my little daughter included who was in her auntie Brenda's - aka the baby whisper- very good care. I also loved seeing Simon running around with the other children at the wedding, his cousins included. The reception was very fun - a huge party- although I didn't enjoy as much of it as would have like to! I told Andrew the next morning, when we were the only ones up at the crack of dawn for the lovely breakfast, "Why did we only get 2 hours of sleep last night and I didn't even have one drink and only danced two songs (Beat It and LaBamba)? Life with a new born and toddler I suppose!" I did however get to watch a bit of the Olympics while I was at the cabin feeding, which was a highlight since we don't have a TV!

Grace is crying... where has my sleeping baby gone?! Enjoy the pics!

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This is me, a faith observed.

C.S. Lewis writes about the pain of losing his beloved wife, Joy, in his book, "A Grief Observed". In some ways this is my attempt to share my journey through grief and back into life, as the past nine months have been characterized by an immeasurable longing for my beloved father, who died suddenly this past January.

After months of hibernation from the internet, I unexpectedly find myself able to re-begin this blog and connect with my larger community of family and friends. This blog will likely reflect less of the intensity and depth of my pain and more of the simplicity and ordinary joy that keeps my life full - namely days running after our little boy, Simon Pierre. But it is because of the incredible love and presence that defined my relationship with my father, that I feel I can will myself to not just survive each day but to pour that same kind of love and attention onto Simon.

My father was an endless source of strength to me, a pillar of faith. His last words, spoken to my mother as he passed into that which is unseen, "God is good - good all the time", have remained with me through this dark cloud of grief. And when God seems hidden, when justice seems to be losing out, when life is unfair, and when death swallows up the one I most love, I remember my father's words and breathe in this promise, that the God of love is in the process of restoring that which has been destroyed.

And as my father told me in dream I've had since his death, "Look to Jesus. As a father, to point you towards Him is the best gift I can give to you." So here I am, this is me, a faith to be observed.

I hold onto that which is not always seen- the promise of God's goodness, the hope that one day in the promised new heavens and earth- on a grassy hill or a sand covered beach- the lion and the lamb will lie down side by side and I, too, will lie down side by side, next to my father, and we will laugh and laugh until there are no more tears left to cry.